Sunday, February 27, 2011

Two Worlds Collide.


*Warning: The content below may or may not make any sense whatsoever, as it was written late at night, tired, emotional, and jumble jumble...READ AT OWN RISK :)

Goodness, God, it's been quite awhile since I've posted anything! I guess that's what happens when you decide to up and leave to New Hampshire then Boston then San Diego for two weeks! I'm in San Diego now, going to cousin Alyssa's wedding tomorrow! I'm so glad I was able to come home for her big day. Woot woot! :)

So much fun, people, family, festivities, parties, plans. . .so much for "resting." I've literally been going from one thing to the next, trying to pack it all in. It's all great, wonderful, fabulous stuff, don't get me wrong! Yet, to be honest, I'm a little overwhelmed, in a good way though. Perhaps the social overload is part of the trigger for my li'l internal fiesta that has kindled.

I've noticed this weird habit of mine. When I'm off on my own and out of my comfort zone, I feel independent, confident, trusting, and almost lacking emotion, in a weird but nice at times (most of the time) way. Yet, whenever I come home, it's like my body/soul kind of let down a bit and all these random emotions and thoughts come up....I don't know what to do with them sometimes...

It's like everything is held together nicely until I come to my "safe place" (aka home) and my body and soul sense that and loosen up a bit. Not quite sure what's going on, but I feel a lot when I come home, at random moments, set off by various triggers...Not necessarily bad or good. Actually, most of the time it's just a flood of emotion. Sometimes a few tears are needed to escape to feel a sense of relief. Other times, it's talking about it with my parents or friends. Or, as in this case, I just gotta get it out via writing.

Tonight, after an 8 hour conference, Alyssa and Jon's pre-wedding dessert, and Jessi and Josh's engagement party, I experienced a range of emotion. A mix between exhaustion, busy-ness, social overload, physical and mental fatigue, and feelings of joy and happiness for the loved ones in my life. Another element to this emotional surge was a tinge of sorrow. Not for others but rather sorrow with the realization of the two worlds I possess, the two lives I live (one in NYC and the other here in San Diego). When I'm focused on one, the other is still in motion and vice versa. I feel torn, in a way. I've taken a bite of the half ripe fruit and am now tasting the bitter sweetness of its essence (okay okay, way too poetic and nonsensical, even for me :). But, do You get what I'm trying to express??? I have the sense like I'm missing out on these important, pivotal points in my dear friends and family's lives. Or, at least not able to devote as much of myself in them as I would like and I'm admitting, finally, that....it makes me sad at times. Feelings of bitter-sweetness for the season I'm in.

But, life is life. It is what it is. Victim or victor??? Complainer or thanker??? Choice, yes I have a choice.
While I don't always know what I'm thinking or feeling or why, one (or more :) thing(s) I have realized: I'm human. I think. I feel. And, it's good and healthy to allow myself that freedom to think and feel.

And, while I may live a "dual" life, my hope, longing, and desire is that my ENTIRE focus rest on You, Jesus, my Stability and Sustainer. You are my Balance and my Grace. You are sufficient for all my needs. I trust in You. Eyes on You, Christ Jesus. You're big enough to handle my heart that feels...

(Sigh) of relief. Burden lifted. Thank You.

Bed time :)

1 comment:

  1. WOW!!! GREAT post, Ali. It's fun to be able to read your heart. I completely understand what you must be feeling. Family and close friends just can't be beat. Love you and so excited you are here to celebrate this special day with us!

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